I was a jail guard for twenty - four years, the first night shift I worked, the Captain called me to his office. He said, "Paul, we are busy as hell, there's an inmate in the holding cell in admitting, go down and process him, will you?" I said, " Captain, I don't know how to do an admittance, I've only been here a week!" "Ya, I know", he said, " Go ahead anyway, the forms are self -explanatory and besides, this inmate has been here lots of times, he'll help you!" He did!



This new young inmate was put in a cell with a few older experienced men. Just after they got into bed and lights out, one of the inmates said, " three", and everyone laughed, then he said, "eleven!", everyone laughed again, " fourteen", same thing, lots of laughter!
The new inmate asked what was going on? One guy told him they had been in jail so long they knew all the jokes and had them numbered. He asked the new inmate if he would like to try it?
"Sure," he said, "two", not a sound, " thirteen" , he said, not a peep! "One" he said, he thought he heard some guys snoring. "What's going on?" , asked the new inmate. The answer was, some people can tell a joke and some people can't !


No joke, when I retired after 25 years I had at least three inmates come up to me in the hallway and say, " Mr. Crawford, you and I came here for the first time back in 1977." One said," Remember the night I showed you how to admit me?"


This inmate came up to me one day, he said Mr.Crawford , I know you like a good story,listen to this one. He said, "Do you remember when all the dope washed up on the shore in Richmond county?" I said yes. He said, "My father hated our next door neighbour, he seen him pull in the yard with something in the back of his truck and covered with canvas. Everybody in the house came out looking under the canvas. He said ,"That bastard got a moose under that canvas and I'm reporting him. My father called Crimestoppers and said his next door neighbour had a moose illegaly. " The mounties came and looked in the back of the truck to see bales and bales of dope. They didn't charge the guy, just took the dope away and that was the end of it. Later my father said, " Jeez, if I had known it was dope, I wouldn't have reported him, I was sure it was a moose."



Another one! This inmate said to me ,one evening, "Mr. Crawford, do you know why I'm in here?"
"Well, I guess because you committed a crime ." I said. " Well, that too, but the real reason I'm in here is because my grandmother wanted money to go to bingo, she called Crimestoppers and reported me!"



Sometimes we would watch the visitors to the jail with little kids and there were some that broke away from their mother, the mother would shout at them(swear). Sometimes the kids pulled up our flowers or ran through the beds. Some would tell the mother where to go! We would say between ourselves(the guards), that little bastard will be with us in a few years and we were usually right.


I met a parole officer in the Mall one day, he said, "Paul, I just had the funniest thing happen, a grandfather, his son and the grandson asked me if they could report on the same day so they could come together."


One night while I was a jail guard we got a new inmate and my partner,said to him, you look so familiar, have we seen you before? "Well", I used to spend time on the womens side but now I'm almost a man." "What do you mean by that? said my partner. "Well, I'm going to have the operation soon, I'm taking hormones to reduce my breasts, then eventually I'm going to have a penis built from my body parts." We quickly decided he/she was going into an isolated cell and adminstration could handle this in the morning." We did let him take his fake penis with him, the doctors in Montreal had given him a leather penis, that snapped onto a leather belt arrangement. I called it his/her "snap-on tool".

Now ,when a person has an operation for tonsils, it's called a tonsilectomy .
An operation removing a breast is a masectomy.
What do you call the operation to acquire a penis? See answer at beginning of this blog!



When I was ten years old, back in the early fifties, I learned where bad boys come from: I heard this story about "Little Johnny" Every Friday afternoon the teacher would pass out jelly beans to all her students, all the kids used to say, thank you teacher, as she placed them on the desk, except for little Johnny, he would say, " I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher got tired of this after a few weeks and thought she would teach Johnny a lesson. She invited some parents to the school to sit in the back of the class on Fridays, including Johnny's mother. She proceeded to give out the jelly beans and the kids all said thank you teacher, except for little Johhny, he said, "I told you I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher looked back at Johnny's mother, Johnny's mother said, "If the litttle fucker don't want any, give them to the other kids."