It just doesn't add up! I paid income tax for more than 50 years, and continue to pay each year. I paid into the Canada Pension Plan for more than 30 years. I paid into my government pension for 24 years. I served my country for 14 years in the regular force, another 6 years in the reserves. I now draw my pension, my Canada pension and my old age pension and read the paper to find out a refugee to Canada gets monthly allowances that are double my pensions.
And these allowances are probably not taxable!!!
"Great Country, Canada! Eh!"
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
ODE TO OWLS (to the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike)
{written by an unknown Owl from 420 Air Reserve Squadron , Shearwater circa 1980}
Oh come all you people and listen to me,
I'll tell you a tale of the Owls and the sea,
A story of cunning, of daring, and do,
Of recruiting our aircrew direct from the zoo.
Have a go, up your glass,
And we'll all keep on flyin' as long as there's gas.
The Tracker's the beauty, we fly o'er the og.
From Fundy to Funk, through the cruddy ol' fog,
The Killick is cozy, the gals are a wish,
But it's time to get back to defending the fish.
Chorus
The 420 Owls are snowy they say,
We hunt in the moonlight, and sleep all the day,
Our cousins are horny, some live in the barn,
But we all go to work at the animal farm.
Chorus
We fought the Watusi like no one else could,
"Pugnamus finitum", as everyone should,
We battled for days, then their strength did abate,
It reportedly was something fowl that they ate.
Chorus
Us 420 phlyers , we never shall die,
We'll just putt around, in the ruddy ol' sky,
Now listen real careful and then you'll hear a hoot,
{It was just the decompression in my poopy suit.}
Chorus
The CO went flying a week-end ago,
From sun-up to sun-down, a ripping good show,
The co-pilot plotted, until he was green,
You should hear the remarks, re: that flying machine.
Chorus
Our groundcrew aren't greasy, like regular blokes,
They fix 'em in elegant tailor-made coats,
For POL, or for pushing, inspections or starts,
Over-owls are supplied to protect all their Parts..
Have a go, up your glass,
And we'll all keep on flyin', as long as there's gas.
The neat thing about being in the reserve armed forces in Canada is that you can quit anytime you want, just stop going, that's it!
In 420 Air Reserve Squadron we all had business cards with name rank and serial number, along with the quotation " We can do anything the regular force can do, if we feel like it!"
The RING-A-DANG-DOO (Ode to St.John's)
One dark night on Duckworth street
A pretty newfy maid I had a chance to meet,
She said Hello and How do you do?
How'd ya like a crack at me Ring-a-dang-doo?
Chorus
A Ring-a-dang-doo, and what is that?
It's round and furry, like a pussy cat,
Round and furry and slippery too,
That's what I calls me Ring-a-dang-doo!
She took me home into her cellar
treated me like a real fine feller,
Gave me wine and whiskey too,
and gave me a crack at her Ring-a-dang doo!
Chorus
I woke up in her cellar, it was half past ten,
Jesus, I'd missed a patrol again,
Thought for a while, what to do,
Decided on another go at the Ring-a-dang doo!
Chorus
My crew commander was very trite,
Not too pleased, I'd missed another flight,
Confined me to barracks and fined me too,
And that's why I calls him a Ring-a-dang-doo!
Chorus
A Ring-a-dang-do, and what is that ............
{written by an unknown Owl from 420 Air Reserve Squadron , Shearwater circa 1980}
Oh come all you people and listen to me,
I'll tell you a tale of the Owls and the sea,
A story of cunning, of daring, and do,
Of recruiting our aircrew direct from the zoo.
Have a go, up your glass,
And we'll all keep on flyin' as long as there's gas.
The Tracker's the beauty, we fly o'er the og.
From Fundy to Funk, through the cruddy ol' fog,
The Killick is cozy, the gals are a wish,
But it's time to get back to defending the fish.
Chorus
The 420 Owls are snowy they say,
We hunt in the moonlight, and sleep all the day,
Our cousins are horny, some live in the barn,
But we all go to work at the animal farm.
Chorus
We fought the Watusi like no one else could,
"Pugnamus finitum", as everyone should,
We battled for days, then their strength did abate,
It reportedly was something fowl that they ate.
Chorus
Us 420 phlyers , we never shall die,
We'll just putt around, in the ruddy ol' sky,
Now listen real careful and then you'll hear a hoot,
{It was just the decompression in my poopy suit.}
Chorus
The CO went flying a week-end ago,
From sun-up to sun-down, a ripping good show,
The co-pilot plotted, until he was green,
You should hear the remarks, re: that flying machine.
Chorus
Our groundcrew aren't greasy, like regular blokes,
They fix 'em in elegant tailor-made coats,
For POL, or for pushing, inspections or starts,
Over-owls are supplied to protect all their Parts..
Have a go, up your glass,
And we'll all keep on flyin', as long as there's gas.
The neat thing about being in the reserve armed forces in Canada is that you can quit anytime you want, just stop going, that's it!
In 420 Air Reserve Squadron we all had business cards with name rank and serial number, along with the quotation " We can do anything the regular force can do, if we feel like it!"
The RING-A-DANG-DOO (Ode to St.John's)
One dark night on Duckworth street
A pretty newfy maid I had a chance to meet,
She said Hello and How do you do?
How'd ya like a crack at me Ring-a-dang-doo?
Chorus
A Ring-a-dang-doo, and what is that?
It's round and furry, like a pussy cat,
Round and furry and slippery too,
That's what I calls me Ring-a-dang-doo!
She took me home into her cellar
treated me like a real fine feller,
Gave me wine and whiskey too,
and gave me a crack at her Ring-a-dang doo!
Chorus
I woke up in her cellar, it was half past ten,
Jesus, I'd missed a patrol again,
Thought for a while, what to do,
Decided on another go at the Ring-a-dang doo!
Chorus
My crew commander was very trite,
Not too pleased, I'd missed another flight,
Confined me to barracks and fined me too,
And that's why I calls him a Ring-a-dang-doo!
Chorus
A Ring-a-dang-do, and what is that ............
Monday, August 13, 2007
Nirvana
We feel privileged to have been able to help restore Nirvana,
After all, it was built by David Stevens, there's a bit of Canadiana.
Once we had the cabin sides off, Annette suggesting making it a cabana,
Gary gave her that look, "What have you been smoking, a banana?"
Some new ribs, some new planking, will it float? Check out the arcana,
Different colour paint, mahogany magnificent, resembles Nicotiana!
In before "daddygofaster", so important to this ocean opera's Prima Donna,
The sedan cruiser floated, the tender is doubtful, and there is always manana,
When the hull tightens, hell, we can picture you guys heading for Havana!
Paul & Trish - June 2007 - Chester, Nova Scotia
We feel privileged to have been able to help restore Nirvana,
After all, it was built by David Stevens, there's a bit of Canadiana.
Once we had the cabin sides off, Annette suggesting making it a cabana,
Gary gave her that look, "What have you been smoking, a banana?"
Some new ribs, some new planking, will it float? Check out the arcana,
Different colour paint, mahogany magnificent, resembles Nicotiana!
In before "daddygofaster", so important to this ocean opera's Prima Donna,
The sedan cruiser floated, the tender is doubtful, and there is always manana,
When the hull tightens, hell, we can picture you guys heading for Havana!
Paul & Trish - June 2007 - Chester, Nova Scotia
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I was a jail guard for twenty - four years, the first night shift I worked, the Captain called me to his office. He said, "Paul, we are busy as hell, there's an inmate in the holding cell in admitting, go down and process him, will you?" I said, " Captain, I don't know how to do an admittance, I've only been here a week!" "Ya, I know", he said, " Go ahead anyway, the forms are self -explanatory and besides, this inmate has been here lots of times, he'll help you!" He did!
This new young inmate was put in a cell with a few older experienced men. Just after they got into bed and lights out, one of the inmates said, " three", and everyone laughed, then he said, "eleven!", everyone laughed again, " fourteen", same thing, lots of laughter!
The new inmate asked what was going on? One guy told him they had been in jail so long they knew all the jokes and had them numbered. He asked the new inmate if he would like to try it?
"Sure," he said, "two", not a sound, " thirteen" , he said, not a peep! "One" he said, he thought he heard some guys snoring. "What's going on?" , asked the new inmate. The answer was, some people can tell a joke and some people can't !
No joke, when I retired after 25 years I had at least three inmates come up to me in the hallway and say, " Mr. Crawford, you and I came here for the first time back in 1977." One said," Remember the night I showed you how to admit me?"
This inmate came up to me one day, he said Mr.Crawford , I know you like a good story,listen to this one. He said, "Do you remember when all the dope washed up on the shore in Richmond county?" I said yes. He said, "My father hated our next door neighbour, he seen him pull in the yard with something in the back of his truck and covered with canvas. Everybody in the house came out looking under the canvas. He said ,"That bastard got a moose under that canvas and I'm reporting him. My father called Crimestoppers and said his next door neighbour had a moose illegaly. " The mounties came and looked in the back of the truck to see bales and bales of dope. They didn't charge the guy, just took the dope away and that was the end of it. Later my father said, " Jeez, if I had known it was dope, I wouldn't have reported him, I was sure it was a moose."
Another one! This inmate said to me ,one evening, "Mr. Crawford, do you know why I'm in here?"
"Well, I guess because you committed a crime ." I said. " Well, that too, but the real reason I'm in here is because my grandmother wanted money to go to bingo, she called Crimestoppers and reported me!"
Sometimes we would watch the visitors to the jail with little kids and there were some that broke away from their mother, the mother would shout at them(swear). Sometimes the kids pulled up our flowers or ran through the beds. Some would tell the mother where to go! We would say between ourselves(the guards), that little bastard will be with us in a few years and we were usually right.
I met a parole officer in the Mall one day, he said, "Paul, I just had the funniest thing happen, a grandfather, his son and the grandson asked me if they could report on the same day so they could come together."
One night while I was a jail guard we got a new inmate and my partner,said to him, you look so familiar, have we seen you before? "Well", I used to spend time on the womens side but now I'm almost a man." "What do you mean by that? said my partner. "Well, I'm going to have the operation soon, I'm taking hormones to reduce my breasts, then eventually I'm going to have a penis built from my body parts." We quickly decided he/she was going into an isolated cell and adminstration could handle this in the morning." We did let him take his fake penis with him, the doctors in Montreal had given him a leather penis, that snapped onto a leather belt arrangement. I called it his/her "snap-on tool".
Now ,when a person has an operation for tonsils, it's called a tonsilectomy .
An operation removing a breast is a masectomy.
What do you call the operation to acquire a penis? See answer at beginning of this blog!
When I was ten years old, back in the early fifties, I learned where bad boys come from: I heard this story about "Little Johnny" Every Friday afternoon the teacher would pass out jelly beans to all her students, all the kids used to say, thank you teacher, as she placed them on the desk, except for little Johnny, he would say, " I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher got tired of this after a few weeks and thought she would teach Johnny a lesson. She invited some parents to the school to sit in the back of the class on Fridays, including Johnny's mother. She proceeded to give out the jelly beans and the kids all said thank you teacher, except for little Johhny, he said, "I told you I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher looked back at Johnny's mother, Johnny's mother said, "If the litttle fucker don't want any, give them to the other kids."
This new young inmate was put in a cell with a few older experienced men. Just after they got into bed and lights out, one of the inmates said, " three", and everyone laughed, then he said, "eleven!", everyone laughed again, " fourteen", same thing, lots of laughter!
The new inmate asked what was going on? One guy told him they had been in jail so long they knew all the jokes and had them numbered. He asked the new inmate if he would like to try it?
"Sure," he said, "two", not a sound, " thirteen" , he said, not a peep! "One" he said, he thought he heard some guys snoring. "What's going on?" , asked the new inmate. The answer was, some people can tell a joke and some people can't !
No joke, when I retired after 25 years I had at least three inmates come up to me in the hallway and say, " Mr. Crawford, you and I came here for the first time back in 1977." One said," Remember the night I showed you how to admit me?"
This inmate came up to me one day, he said Mr.Crawford , I know you like a good story,listen to this one. He said, "Do you remember when all the dope washed up on the shore in Richmond county?" I said yes. He said, "My father hated our next door neighbour, he seen him pull in the yard with something in the back of his truck and covered with canvas. Everybody in the house came out looking under the canvas. He said ,"That bastard got a moose under that canvas and I'm reporting him. My father called Crimestoppers and said his next door neighbour had a moose illegaly. " The mounties came and looked in the back of the truck to see bales and bales of dope. They didn't charge the guy, just took the dope away and that was the end of it. Later my father said, " Jeez, if I had known it was dope, I wouldn't have reported him, I was sure it was a moose."
Another one! This inmate said to me ,one evening, "Mr. Crawford, do you know why I'm in here?"
"Well, I guess because you committed a crime ." I said. " Well, that too, but the real reason I'm in here is because my grandmother wanted money to go to bingo, she called Crimestoppers and reported me!"
Sometimes we would watch the visitors to the jail with little kids and there were some that broke away from their mother, the mother would shout at them(swear). Sometimes the kids pulled up our flowers or ran through the beds. Some would tell the mother where to go! We would say between ourselves(the guards), that little bastard will be with us in a few years and we were usually right.
I met a parole officer in the Mall one day, he said, "Paul, I just had the funniest thing happen, a grandfather, his son and the grandson asked me if they could report on the same day so they could come together."
One night while I was a jail guard we got a new inmate and my partner,said to him, you look so familiar, have we seen you before? "Well", I used to spend time on the womens side but now I'm almost a man." "What do you mean by that? said my partner. "Well, I'm going to have the operation soon, I'm taking hormones to reduce my breasts, then eventually I'm going to have a penis built from my body parts." We quickly decided he/she was going into an isolated cell and adminstration could handle this in the morning." We did let him take his fake penis with him, the doctors in Montreal had given him a leather penis, that snapped onto a leather belt arrangement. I called it his/her "snap-on tool".
Now ,when a person has an operation for tonsils, it's called a tonsilectomy .
An operation removing a breast is a masectomy.
What do you call the operation to acquire a penis? See answer at beginning of this blog!
When I was ten years old, back in the early fifties, I learned where bad boys come from: I heard this story about "Little Johnny" Every Friday afternoon the teacher would pass out jelly beans to all her students, all the kids used to say, thank you teacher, as she placed them on the desk, except for little Johnny, he would say, " I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher got tired of this after a few weeks and thought she would teach Johnny a lesson. She invited some parents to the school to sit in the back of the class on Fridays, including Johnny's mother. She proceeded to give out the jelly beans and the kids all said thank you teacher, except for little Johhny, he said, "I told you I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher looked back at Johnny's mother, Johnny's mother said, "If the litttle fucker don't want any, give them to the other kids."
The milkman was coming up the walk, very early in the morning, when he seen a naked woman go by the window, then he seen a naked man go by and another naked woman. He went up and knocked on the door. The homeowner,naked,answered the door. "Yes," he said. The milkman asked,"How much milk do you want?" " Two bottles," said the man," the bottles and tickets are right there!" " Ya, I know," said the milkman, "but I seen naked people going by the window and I was wondering what was going on?" " Oh, were playing a game", said the man ,"we are all naked and the women are blindfolded, the women grab the men by their pecker and if they guess wjo they are, they get to go to bed with them." "Jeez," said the milkman, "can I come in and play?" "You might as well," said the homeowner," Your name has been called three times already!"
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
A Sad Naval tale from the Bonnie
Their blood ran cold with horror
As they gazed on the awful scene
Their faces paled with anquish
And their gills turned faintly green
For seldom has anybody suffered
As they did that horrible day
Seldom before have humans
Beheld such a ghastly display
There on the deck before them
The shattered remnants flowed
And a steady stream of crimson
Sought its' level on Burma Road
And they stood in breathless silence
As men who were stricken dumb
For they had just seen the Duty PO
Drop a case of pusser Rum
Their blood ran cold with horror
As they gazed on the awful scene
Their faces paled with anquish
And their gills turned faintly green
For seldom has anybody suffered
As they did that horrible day
Seldom before have humans
Beheld such a ghastly display
There on the deck before them
The shattered remnants flowed
And a steady stream of crimson
Sought its' level on Burma Road
And they stood in breathless silence
As men who were stricken dumb
For they had just seen the Duty PO
Drop a case of pusser Rum
Billy, the same Billy that shot the horse in Cape Breton, in Crawford's Collection pulled a nice stunt while in the navy. His cleaning station one morning for Captain's rounds was 4P2 heads, he had the stainless steel sink and bowl just agleaming! He then placed a glob of peanut butter under the lip of the toilet bowl,and stood to his station. The Chief Boatswain was leading the entourage and first spotted the brown stuff. He said," Ordinary seaman, what is this?" "What's what. sir ?" Billy replied.
"What's this? " the boatswain repeated, "What's what?" Billy said again, looking straight ahead all the time and standing at rigid attention. "Look down here!", the Boatswain demanded. Billy looked down , frowned, stuck his finger in the peanut butter and placed it to his lips. Standing rigid again and looking straight ahead. Billy said , "Shit, Sir."
"What's this? " the boatswain repeated, "What's what?" Billy said again, looking straight ahead all the time and standing at rigid attention. "Look down here!", the Boatswain demanded. Billy looked down , frowned, stuck his finger in the peanut butter and placed it to his lips. Standing rigid again and looking straight ahead. Billy said , "Shit, Sir."
Just before the Bonaventure went to be razor blades, we started getting our first air force guys arriving in the naval aircrew world. Before they got to sea the stories would start flying about flying off an aircraft carrier. In the tavern after work ,one of the navy guys would usually steer the stories to me and tell me to tell them about the time I was washed overboard. I would tell them it was a stormy night with waves washing over the deck as the ground crew took us by the hand and directed us to our airplanes, I lost hand contact with my man and was washed overboard, and just as quickly, another wave washed me up on the stern . I ran across the deck and managed to get in the plane just before we were catapulted off. Holy mackeral, they would say ,that must have been scary. I'd tell them, not half as scary as the $250.00 fine I got for losing the camera and codebooks overboard.
My Buddy Bob again, true story. Bob used to be a bosun on the Bonnie before he went to be aircrew, so he knew his way around the ship. Usually when we returned from three months at sea, we would clear customs and then have to wait to go down the gangway because they were letting the officer's wives on board for a drink, while we could only wave at our wives and children on the jetty. We were waiting one time when Bob noticed there was no one in the coxswain's office. Hold my duffle bag, he said, and went into the office. The piping system whistled "Attention all hands!" and Bob made his announcement. "All those Officers, who haven't drawn their wedding bands, from the Coxswain's safe, may do so now!"
My Buddy Bob again, true story. Bob used to be a bosun on the Bonnie before he went to be aircrew, so he knew his way around the ship. Usually when we returned from three months at sea, we would clear customs and then have to wait to go down the gangway because they were letting the officer's wives on board for a drink, while we could only wave at our wives and children on the jetty. We were waiting one time when Bob noticed there was no one in the coxswain's office. Hold my duffle bag, he said, and went into the office. The piping system whistled "Attention all hands!" and Bob made his announcement. "All those Officers, who haven't drawn their wedding bands, from the Coxswain's safe, may do so now!"
Monday, August 6, 2007
A young rooster showed up in the hen house and told the old rooster to get lost. The old rooster pleaded, just let me have a few old hens in the corner? "No way", said the young rooster," get lost! " The old rooster said, "How about a race, I'll race you around the henhouse and if I win I get to have an few old hens in the corner!" OK. At the count of three the old rooster took off and was a bit ahead of the young rooster. Just then the farmer on his porch shot the young rooster, he turned to his wife and said," That's the third gay rooster I've bought this year!"
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