When I was in army basic training, one day in front of the barracks the sergeant shouted, " All right, all of you idiots can Fall Out!" Everyone except one Newfoundlander turned right and dismissed. He stood there smirking , the corporal stood in front of him and tried to stare him down. The Newf said "There sure are a lot of them, aren't there, Sarge!"

As we taxied down the runway, in the Boxcar (C119) crowded in like chickens,taking off for a parachute jump, I let an awful permeating fart. One of the guys near me said," Jesus Paul, did you shit yourself?" I said," Oh, shut up, you don't have to sit in it.!"

I always state that no celebrity , rich person or such, much impresses me. I follow the old adage, we all have to take down our pants to shit! But, one time I was at a wedding at the Saint John , N.B. yacht club and went outside on the deck with my drink. Using the phone booth was a man I had watched on TV for many years and always was impressed by him. While he was on the phone, I stopped and was saying or blubbering, your're? you're? you're? He hung up ,said Hello and told me his name! William F. Buckley Jr. After I recovered, I roamed down near his yacht, but could see he had company, so didn't bother to have a conversation, which I wanted to ,badly!

Hanging on the Wall in our guest bedroom.

TO OUR GUESTS


You are welcome here,
Be at your Ease.
Go to bed when your ready,
Get up when you please.

Happy to share with you,
Such as we got.
The leak in the roof,
The Soup in the pot.

You don't have to thank us,
Or laugh at Paul's jokes.
Sit deep and come often,
You're one of the folks!

Make sure you kneel beside your bed evey night and say your prayers before going to sleep and when you die you may end up in Cape Breton.

This Texan arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St. Peter, right away the Texan said, "This is the Pearly Gates? , We've got bigger and better than this in Texas!" As St. Peter continues the tour, he got pretty tired of the Texan, always saying we got bigger and better in Texas, so St.Peter took him over to the edge of a cloud and said, "Look down there!", they were looking into Hades/Hell, "have you got anything in Texas like that?" The Texan said, "No, we haven't, but, we have a few good old boys that could put that out for you ! "



On a visit to Canada, President Clinton was scheduled to play golf against Prime Minister Chretien at the Highland Links course located in Cape Breton Highlands National Park.
Clinton doesn't like to lose so he asked his people to contact the designer of the course, he wanted to speak to him to increase his luck. They come back to say the man who built the course was dead.
Well, this was just around the time cell phones were getting popular so one company had given the President free use of a phone, only his was special, he could call Heaven anytime he wanted to, but the catch was, if he called Heaven it would cost him $100,000 dollars for the call. He had only used it once before, to see if he would be elected for a second term and he gleefully paid the bill.
While driving around the course with his secret service men just prior to the golf game he decided to call the designer in heaven and talk to him. He won the game,beat Chretien.
Months later he hadn't received a bill for th $100,000 , and being a pretty honest guy he contacted the cell phone company and made enquiries. The girl said, "We have no record of a long distance call Sir, where did you say you called from? " I called from Cape Breton up in Canada, in Nova Scotia." " I can't find nothing, just a minute I'll speak to my supervisor , Sir!"
The girl came back and explained to Mr. Clinton, that a call from Cape Breton to Heaven was considered a local call,and there would be no bill!

It just doesn't add up! I paid income tax for more than 50 years, and continue to pay each year. I paid into the Canada Pension Plan for more than 30 years. I paid into my government pension for 24 years. I served my country for 14 years in the regular force, another 6 years in the reserves. I now draw my pension, my Canada pension and my old age pension and read the paper to find out a refugee to Canada gets monthly allowances that are double my pensions.

And these allowances are probably not taxable!!!

"Great Country, Canada! Eh!"

ODE TO OWLS (to the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike)

{written by an unknown Owl from 420 Air Reserve Squadron , Shearwater circa 1980}

Oh come all you people and listen to me,
I'll tell you a tale of the Owls and the sea,
A story of cunning, of daring, and do,
Of recruiting our aircrew direct from the zoo.

Have a go, up your glass,
And we'll all keep on flyin' as long as there's gas.

The Tracker's the beauty, we fly o'er the og.
From Fundy to Funk, through the cruddy ol' fog,
The Killick is cozy, the gals are a wish,
But it's time to get back to defending the fish.

Chorus

The 420 Owls are snowy they say,
We hunt in the moonlight, and sleep all the day,
Our cousins are horny, some live in the barn,
But we all go to work at the animal farm.

Chorus

We fought the Watusi like no one else could,
"Pugnamus finitum", as everyone should,
We battled for days, then their strength did abate,
It reportedly was something fowl that they ate.

Chorus

Us 420 phlyers , we never shall die,
We'll just putt around, in the ruddy ol' sky,
Now listen real careful and then you'll hear a hoot,
{It was just the decompression in my poopy suit.}

Chorus

The CO went flying a week-end ago,
From sun-up to sun-down, a ripping good show,
The co-pilot plotted, until he was green,
You should hear the remarks, re: that flying machine.

Chorus

Our groundcrew aren't greasy, like regular blokes,
They fix 'em in elegant tailor-made coats,
For POL, or for pushing, inspections or starts,
Over-owls are supplied to protect all their Parts..


Have a go, up your glass,
And we'll all keep on flyin', as long as there's gas.


The neat thing about being in the reserve armed forces in Canada is that you can quit anytime you want, just stop going, that's it!

In 420 Air Reserve Squadron we all had business cards with name rank and serial number, along with the quotation " We can do anything the regular force can do, if we feel like it!"



The RING-A-DANG-DOO (Ode to St.John's)

One dark night on Duckworth street
A pretty newfy maid I had a chance to meet,
She said Hello and How do you do?
How'd ya like a crack at me Ring-a-dang-doo?

Chorus
A Ring-a-dang-doo, and what is that?
It's round and furry, like a pussy cat,
Round and furry and slippery too,
That's what I calls me Ring-a-dang-doo!

She took me home into her cellar
treated me like a real fine feller,
Gave me wine and whiskey too,
and gave me a crack at her Ring-a-dang doo!


Chorus


I woke up in her cellar, it was half past ten,
Jesus, I'd missed a patrol again,
Thought for a while, what to do,
Decided on another go at the Ring-a-dang doo!

Chorus

My crew commander was very trite,
Not too pleased, I'd missed another flight,
Confined me to barracks and fined me too,
And that's why I calls him a Ring-a-dang-doo!


Chorus
A Ring-a-dang-do, and what is that ............

Nirvana

We feel privileged to have been able to help restore Nirvana,
After all, it was built by David Stevens, there's a bit of Canadiana.

Once we had the cabin sides off, Annette suggesting making it a cabana,
Gary gave her that look, "What have you been smoking, a banana?"

Some new ribs, some new planking, will it float? Check out the arcana,
Different colour paint, mahogany magnificent, resembles Nicotiana!

In before "daddygofaster", so important to this ocean opera's Prima Donna,
The sedan cruiser floated, the tender is doubtful, and there is always manana,
When the hull tightens, hell, we can picture you guys heading for Havana!

Paul & Trish - June 2007 - Chester, Nova Scotia

I was a jail guard for twenty - four years, the first night shift I worked, the Captain called me to his office. He said, "Paul, we are busy as hell, there's an inmate in the holding cell in admitting, go down and process him, will you?" I said, " Captain, I don't know how to do an admittance, I've only been here a week!" "Ya, I know", he said, " Go ahead anyway, the forms are self -explanatory and besides, this inmate has been here lots of times, he'll help you!" He did!



This new young inmate was put in a cell with a few older experienced men. Just after they got into bed and lights out, one of the inmates said, " three", and everyone laughed, then he said, "eleven!", everyone laughed again, " fourteen", same thing, lots of laughter!
The new inmate asked what was going on? One guy told him they had been in jail so long they knew all the jokes and had them numbered. He asked the new inmate if he would like to try it?
"Sure," he said, "two", not a sound, " thirteen" , he said, not a peep! "One" he said, he thought he heard some guys snoring. "What's going on?" , asked the new inmate. The answer was, some people can tell a joke and some people can't !


No joke, when I retired after 25 years I had at least three inmates come up to me in the hallway and say, " Mr. Crawford, you and I came here for the first time back in 1977." One said," Remember the night I showed you how to admit me?"


This inmate came up to me one day, he said Mr.Crawford , I know you like a good story,listen to this one. He said, "Do you remember when all the dope washed up on the shore in Richmond county?" I said yes. He said, "My father hated our next door neighbour, he seen him pull in the yard with something in the back of his truck and covered with canvas. Everybody in the house came out looking under the canvas. He said ,"That bastard got a moose under that canvas and I'm reporting him. My father called Crimestoppers and said his next door neighbour had a moose illegaly. " The mounties came and looked in the back of the truck to see bales and bales of dope. They didn't charge the guy, just took the dope away and that was the end of it. Later my father said, " Jeez, if I had known it was dope, I wouldn't have reported him, I was sure it was a moose."



Another one! This inmate said to me ,one evening, "Mr. Crawford, do you know why I'm in here?"
"Well, I guess because you committed a crime ." I said. " Well, that too, but the real reason I'm in here is because my grandmother wanted money to go to bingo, she called Crimestoppers and reported me!"



Sometimes we would watch the visitors to the jail with little kids and there were some that broke away from their mother, the mother would shout at them(swear). Sometimes the kids pulled up our flowers or ran through the beds. Some would tell the mother where to go! We would say between ourselves(the guards), that little bastard will be with us in a few years and we were usually right.


I met a parole officer in the Mall one day, he said, "Paul, I just had the funniest thing happen, a grandfather, his son and the grandson asked me if they could report on the same day so they could come together."


One night while I was a jail guard we got a new inmate and my partner,said to him, you look so familiar, have we seen you before? "Well", I used to spend time on the womens side but now I'm almost a man." "What do you mean by that? said my partner. "Well, I'm going to have the operation soon, I'm taking hormones to reduce my breasts, then eventually I'm going to have a penis built from my body parts." We quickly decided he/she was going into an isolated cell and adminstration could handle this in the morning." We did let him take his fake penis with him, the doctors in Montreal had given him a leather penis, that snapped onto a leather belt arrangement. I called it his/her "snap-on tool".

Now ,when a person has an operation for tonsils, it's called a tonsilectomy .
An operation removing a breast is a masectomy.
What do you call the operation to acquire a penis? See answer at beginning of this blog!



When I was ten years old, back in the early fifties, I learned where bad boys come from: I heard this story about "Little Johnny" Every Friday afternoon the teacher would pass out jelly beans to all her students, all the kids used to say, thank you teacher, as she placed them on the desk, except for little Johnny, he would say, " I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher got tired of this after a few weeks and thought she would teach Johnny a lesson. She invited some parents to the school to sit in the back of the class on Fridays, including Johnny's mother. She proceeded to give out the jelly beans and the kids all said thank you teacher, except for little Johhny, he said, "I told you I don't want any, stick them up your arse!"
The teacher looked back at Johnny's mother, Johnny's mother said, "If the litttle fucker don't want any, give them to the other kids."

The milkman was coming up the walk, very early in the morning, when he seen a naked woman go by the window, then he seen a naked man go by and another naked woman. He went up and knocked on the door. The homeowner,naked,answered the door. "Yes," he said. The milkman asked,"How much milk do you want?" " Two bottles," said the man," the bottles and tickets are right there!" " Ya, I know," said the milkman, "but I seen naked people going by the window and I was wondering what was going on?" " Oh, were playing a game", said the man ,"we are all naked and the women are blindfolded, the women grab the men by their pecker and if they guess wjo they are, they get to go to bed with them." "Jeez," said the milkman, "can I come in and play?" "You might as well," said the homeowner," Your name has been called three times already!"

A Sad Naval tale from the Bonnie

Their blood ran cold with horror
As they gazed on the awful scene
Their faces paled with anquish
And their gills turned faintly green

For seldom has anybody suffered
As they did that horrible day
Seldom before have humans
Beheld such a ghastly display

There on the deck before them
The shattered remnants flowed
And a steady stream of crimson
Sought its' level on Burma Road

And they stood in breathless silence
As men who were stricken dumb
For they had just seen the Duty PO
Drop a case of pusser Rum

Billy, the same Billy that shot the horse in Cape Breton, in Crawford's Collection pulled a nice stunt while in the navy. His cleaning station one morning for Captain's rounds was 4P2 heads, he had the stainless steel sink and bowl just agleaming! He then placed a glob of peanut butter under the lip of the toilet bowl,and stood to his station. The Chief Boatswain was leading the entourage and first spotted the brown stuff. He said," Ordinary seaman, what is this?" "What's what. sir ?" Billy replied.
"What's this? " the boatswain repeated, "What's what?" Billy said again, looking straight ahead all the time and standing at rigid attention. "Look down here!", the Boatswain demanded. Billy looked down , frowned, stuck his finger in the peanut butter and placed it to his lips. Standing rigid again and looking straight ahead. Billy said , "Shit, Sir."

Just before the Bonaventure went to be razor blades, we started getting our first air force guys arriving in the naval aircrew world. Before they got to sea the stories would start flying about flying off an aircraft carrier. In the tavern after work ,one of the navy guys would usually steer the stories to me and tell me to tell them about the time I was washed overboard. I would tell them it was a stormy night with waves washing over the deck as the ground crew took us by the hand and directed us to our airplanes, I lost hand contact with my man and was washed overboard, and just as quickly, another wave washed me up on the stern . I ran across the deck and managed to get in the plane just before we were catapulted off. Holy mackeral, they would say ,that must have been scary. I'd tell them, not half as scary as the $250.00 fine I got for losing the camera and codebooks overboard.


My Buddy Bob again, true story. Bob used to be a bosun on the Bonnie before he went to be aircrew, so he knew his way around the ship. Usually when we returned from three months at sea, we would clear customs and then have to wait to go down the gangway because they were letting the officer's wives on board for a drink, while we could only wave at our wives and children on the jetty. We were waiting one time when Bob noticed there was no one in the coxswain's office. Hold my duffle bag, he said, and went into the office. The piping system whistled "Attention all hands!" and Bob made his announcement. "All those Officers, who haven't drawn their wedding bands, from the Coxswain's safe, may do so now!"

A young rooster showed up in the hen house and told the old rooster to get lost. The old rooster pleaded, just let me have a few old hens in the corner? "No way", said the young rooster," get lost! " The old rooster said, "How about a race, I'll race you around the henhouse and if I win I get to have an few old hens in the corner!" OK. At the count of three the old rooster took off and was a bit ahead of the young rooster. Just then the farmer on his porch shot the young rooster, he turned to his wife and said," That's the third gay rooster I've bought this year!"

I was recently in a campground near Grand Falls-Windsor, Nfld. I got to chatting with a guy, I asked him if he knew Jim Beckman from my home in Halifax,who played hockey for years in Grand Falls. He knew him and played with him. I mentioned how Jimmy could shoot the puck left or right handed and could pitch a ball with his left or right hand, He said he remembered that, and then said he would give his right arm to be ambidextrous.

PS: Later that evening, I met the owner of the campground, it was none other than Alex Faulkner, Newfoundland's first player in the National Hockey League.

I only owned one dog all my life as a kid, he was just called Boy, yes Boy! Here Boy, here Boy.
Hank Snow's mother -in -law (Mrs Alders )gave him to me and he hung on our back porch for more then ten years.

I first saw Hank Snow about 1950 driving down Duke of Kent Street combing his hair in his yellow Cadillac, coming home from Tennessee to visit his in-laws. Minnie Snow (Alders) his wife, happened to be in Halifax when my mother died and came to her funeral.

At the Fairview fire hall on Saturdays they would show movies for us kids, Tom Mix, Ken Maynard and his horse Tarzan are two I remember. I remember being very exicited when they started Fairview Fish & Game at teh fire hall, us kids got to go to meetings with the adults and be part of the club. So exciting. Stu Beckman was probably the most successful hunter in Fairview, we would go to his place to see, deer, moose, bears when they were harvested.

We kept a pig around 1953, his first house was the dog house,then a rain barrel , he was so intelligent, when my fathers bus arrived ,about a quarter mile from our house, the pig knew he was getting off the bus, this bus went by every hour, but the five-thirty bus drove the pig crazy. When we slaughtered the pig, my father cried. You wouldn't be able to own a pig in Halifax, but we lived in Fairview, just this side of Dutch Village Road, the boundary between the city and county. I always said I had the best of both worlds, the city in my frontyard and the wilderness in my backyard.


Penny candy, actually three for a penny in most cases, green leaves ,licorice, black balls, ju jubes,pop was seven cents and you got 2 cents back for the bottle. If you had 25 cents you could go to the movies, have a pop and a chocolate bar or chips or popcorn. And that was two full length movies. We usually walked three miles to the Armview theatre, and sometimes downtown to the Oxford, the Casino, the Garrick, the Paramount, the Capitol, the Gaiety, the Empire. What was that other one on Gottingen Street?

I served in the army, navy, and air force. I did six years in the Army as a paratrooper in the medical corps, serving with the Van Doos in Valcartier, Que. Eight years in the Navy as naval aircrew, on the Bonaventure and Annapolis, flying in Trackers and Sea Kings. Then six years in the Air Reserve doing the fisheries patrols in Trackers. I was also twenty -four years a jail guard. I also sold real estate, and life insurance. I was a Tourist Development Officer for the Province of Nova Scotia, a radar operator on the DEW line, a hospital orderly, a mature student at MSV and Dal, took a run at politics, I ran for Alderman in Hfx, in my teen years I workedon the railroad,shovelling snow, delivered drugs from various pharmacys in Hfx, worked at the Minut-man auto wash, corner of Robie and Russel, worked at Seven-up on Robie street, delivered the Chronicle -Herald, painted houses,unloaded box-cars at the old sugar refinery.

50 years ago at the Minit-Man Auto Wash we washed more than a hundred cars a day.

There was a little ditty on the wall:

Breathes there the man with soul so dead
Who never to himself hath said,
This is my own , the family car
All covered with dust, and dirt and tar,
If I should wash this car myself,
I shall become as rare,
As the man who ,cuts his own hair!

I joined the army just after my 17th birthday, I served 4 years in the Cdn Armed forces before I was old enough to drink, 21 was the age , you had to have permission to get married under 21. When I did get married I had just turned 21, on our honeymoon my wife and I went into a bar, I ordered a beer and she ordered a coke, they asked our ages, she was only 20 , they wouldn't serve us, she had been married before and had a child, she still wasn't old enough to drink. You could smoke at any age, the Premier of Ontario gave all us army guys a flat 50 of cigarettes each Christmas,no matter your age.

Because of my stories about horse and wagon days and pre- TV days and pre refrigerator days, many people say, just how old are you anyway?

I say I'm old enough to remember when the Fairview Overpass used to be the Fairview underpass.

I'm old enough to remember the dairys delivering milk by horse and wagon, the garbageman was horse and wagon, vegetables delivered by horse and wagon , I must admit the ice man, the coal man and fish man drove trucks.

I remember when women didn't fart.

I remember when you could only buy beer in quart bottles and buy one bottle at a time if you wished.

Who said during the second world war," We will fight them on the land, we will fight them on the sea, we will fight them in the air?" The answer" Sir Winston Churchill.
Who said, when he left the Phillipines, " I shall return!" the answer: Gen. Douglas MacArthur.
Who said . " Holy jumpin', jumpin', jumpin', jumpin', jumpin' jesus, what was that?" The answer is at the beginning of this blog.

One of my first memories is the second Halifax explosion. I was "goin' pottie" at the time, my mother and a friend who boarded with us were in the kitchen. Every window on the north and east sides of our house broke as the Bedford Naval magazine blew up. My mother had been
in the 1917 explosion and had lost three siblings when their house collapsed. She grabbed me off the toilet, with shit running down my leg and ran for the backyard woods. We were evacuated overnight to Timberlea, I believe to an air force site that is today the Timberlea legion. I have vague memories of being on the floor , on my back, looking up at the high ceilings in the building and many, many people around. All the small panes of glass in our front porch were replaced with large windows, the french doors(all glass) were never replaced between the living and dining room, and we had a fireplace that was so damaged,it could never be used again.

This blog is better read if you start at the bottom, it makes more sense to read it in chronilogical order.

My father was stationed in Shelburne , Nova Scotia with the 53rd Coastal Battery, Artillery, all during the second world war. My mother would visit most holidays by train or automobile.
My oldest sister came to visit from B.C. and wanted to visit Shelburne, when we drove into town
she said,"There's the Loyalist Hotel, that's where Elaine and I would stay with mom and dad during the war."
We went into the hotel, Joan said, " It hasn't changed in fifty years, let's go upstairs." Up we went, she said," There , there's room # 1, that's where mom and dad slept, and Elaine and I slept in room # 2."
I said, " Joan, I was concieved in room #1 in this hotel." I later figured out that I was concieved on Easter week-end because I was born just before Christmas day.
Later that day we were walking around Shelburne and I saw a sign that said, Shelburne Geneological Society. We went in and I told them about the hotel incident and asked them if they had any record of my conception, they laughed, I told them they didn't keep very good records back in those days.

I have sisters ten and twelve years older than me. I recently asked them to think, what was the very best Christmas you ever had? Before they could answer, I said, " It was Christmas morning 1941, when my mother brought me home from the hospital !" They said, " Like hell."
I said, " You can't deny it, you had your very own little baby to play with!" I always said I had three mothers!

My mother got me and my older sister,both of us born in December , in to school when we were four years old. Mother said, "When you go to school and anyone asks how old you are, you just say, I'm not sure!"
The first day the school bully approached me, he said,"How old are you?" I said, "I"m not sure."
He repeated,"How old are you?" I repeated, "I'm not sure." He said, " Are you four or are you five? " I said, "I'm not sure." He said,"Are you interested in girls?" I said, "No!" He said, "Your're four!"




The answer: The Mayor of Hiroshima!

The answer : Addadictomy!